I am sick of the people who surround me sometimes. I am sick of the people who pity me, or think I should move on and not be so emotional. My husband is deployed for an 18 month period. In married time total he will be away longer than we have been together. I will celebrate our first and second wedding anniversary alone. I will celebrate special days like birthdays, and holidays alone. I will change. And he will change. We both will be different people in the end.
I am sick of the people who think that everything will be peachy keen when he returns home. They don't realize the factor that we may not love each other when he gets home. That we might have grown apart. That I may not understand the changes and experiences he has dealt with and that we may divorce. Heavens know I love him more that life itself, but there is always that factor. It is a common thing among military couples to divorce after long periods of separations. I have to say that I have grown to love my husband more than ever. But that truth always there like a cloud over my head. No wonder they pound it into our head at family meetings and counseling sessions. Professional counsalers don't say it for the hell of it.

People do not realize that I will have to get to know my spouse again, and learn to adjust to one another.
I'm sick of the people who easily forget that I am alone in dealing with the s*** at home. That I have come to learn that people get upset over the STUPIDEST things and freak out over nothing. There is nothing more precious than the lives of your loved ones. When they are facing danger EACH AND EVERY second of EACH AND EVERY day life starts to come into a different perspective.
I am sick of the people who when my husband is around comment... "Yeah we will take care of your wife when you are away don't worry" But forget about me the second he walks away.
I am sick of the people who live in fantasy land and believe that all is alright when they are not. That I really don't need to worry over the little things in life, like if today is the day I will hear the news that I am most dreading. I used to love doorbells and phone calls. Now I dread them, they are the symbols of death and pain to me now. I used to love church and some people there. Now I see hypocrites and ignorance. I am surrounded with the easy forgetfulness of man. No one truly understands me. No one really wants to understand me. Why am I so angry? So Frustrated? I think it has to do with realization of myself. That I have come out of that fog of "Happy Land" as my husband likes to call it. I tend to see the good in everyone. I tend to see that everyone will honor their word. Unfortunately that is not true. I have seen sides of people that I care not to see. I would rather just walk away from them and not bother seeing them again or not dealing with them. They are nice people, and truly care for some. So maybe I am a bit harsh, or condensending but I feel that I have every right to be.

This is such a hard role to live. I live in a "civilian" world. I am surrounded by people who do not understand what I am going through. They forget that I go home alone every night. That I deal with the problems of life by myself. That I cannot bother my husband on the short phone calls or Instant messaging the problems of home. Why? Because he has a job to do. He has to focus on that. I am not supposed to talk about the things he has no control over. Why should I pour my heart out to him that so and so said this... Or that the hot water heater broke or that whoops the dog ate the carpet.. Or I backed the car into another car ( These are hypothetical not actual by the way.) He can't do a thing about it.
My husband is the go getter type. When I tell him about things, he gets invloved with me to help finda solution of fix the problem. Where he is he can't do a damn thing to help me.
I can't sit every night and unwind to him about my day. I can't hash over situations and get advice from him. I think that is the thing that bothers me the most. When he was home I talked EVERYTHING out with my husband. He is my best friend. We do that for each other. So now I have this HUGE emotional roller coaster, and involved with a lot of duties and responsibilities and I cannot talk to him about things that bother me. I cannot talk to him about someone comment that made me mad, or some event that I wish I could change. The time we have is short and precious and most of all expensive. I don't have the luxury of being able to communicate that way anymore. I have lost that most special thing about my husband. I know he wants to help me in any way that he can. But I can't let him, and I think that is what makes me most angry about the whole situation. I think everything has built up inside of me.
I do not want to be around people sometimes due to this. I feel that I have become jaded in a way. This saddens me to a point because I am not like this. I feel that I have totally changed because I feel cold hearted. I normally am so emotionally wrapped up in life, seeing the best in everything or everyone. Now I am tired, bitter grumpy and pissed off. And that is so not like me.
I am sick of our media too. To see what they have to say VS what my husband and other soldiers say of what is going on there. It is amazing the differences. I have learned that media is a business they do to "make a buck". It is amazing that Americans blindly follow our media and think that what they show is gospel. I have come to ponder everything that is reported to me by media now. They have lost crediation in my mind.
*Sigh*
I do feel that I am doing well in this deployment. Time is passing by quickly (of course not quickly enough in my mind) I hope I do not offend one to think that I m just a callous grump as I am not. I do love my friends and family that have been supportive of me. It is hard because people do not know what to do or say. My advice? Just be there! Just hang out and call once in a while. Make someone laugh and forget the pain of life. Take away the loneliness and sadness for a second. And if you happen to come by my house? Maybe offer to do my laundry? That would make me happy! Heee Heeeee
But seriously. If you know a mother in a situation like this. Give her a few hours off so she can spend some time for herself. Offer to help with chores or dinner. I would love that! I haven't had a real dinner in forever. I had some friends over one night and I cooked a meal. That for me felt good. Of course it was like 9:30 at night when we ate, but hey that's all good right? I liked the chance to take care of someone and to cook something and eat something that wasn't a frozen meal for one. It took the away pain of being alone at dinner time. I appreciate the offers that people given me to go over to their house for dinner, but it sometimes bothers me because sometimes I want to be home. I want to enjoy normalcy.
Will it every be normal again?
Will I ever be normal again? Will I ever get off this cranky-cynical-Janell-syndrome? I don't like her.

I would rather have Happy-Land-Laa-Laa-Janell Back. No matter how much it annoyed my husband.

Ok I think I will go slide my soap box back under my bed. I don't get it out often.